“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1
It is said in the Bible that God knows the plans for us, that He has known them from before we were born, but we are often left wondering what those plans are. So many people are left to live difficult lives, walk down paths full of turmoil and chaos, while others have their paths much clearer marked and are able to travel with ease.
No one path is the same, that I know. And every path is the correct path for that person. But what if you knew the path you should take, a path much easier than you chose? A path that was parallel to the easier one, but instead of doing things easy and getting the same result, you chose to fight the brushes and snarling vines? What if you chose the difficult path instead of the easy path? Is it still the path God chose for you? He gives us all the freedom to choose our paths, but are there really no wrong choices as long as they all lead back to Him?
Lately, these questions have been filling my mind and weighing on my soul, and shoulders. Since my Breast Cancer diagnosis, I’ve been struggling with the question of “why” more and more. Is there a greater purpose to all of this?
I used to see myself as a “fighter,” but in truth many times I never really needed to fight. I’ve been told I am brave, strong, an inspiration…but I don’t see myself as these. I am brave and strong because I have had to be. I have had to overcome many obstacles because I put them there myself. I have had to endure trying times because of choices I have made. I have had to fight through many things because I chose a path that was harder and full of ups and downs instead of taking the more stable path.
Yes, I have had to constantly battle my mental health…but does that make me brave? Does that make me stronger? Every day I face my anxiety, depression, and the ups and downs of bipolar, but I still don’t see myself as an inspiration. I see myself as a “what not to do” instead.
Facing my cancer diagnosis head on, was never a choice. There was never an option in my mind of whether or not I would fight against the disease. I only knew I wasn’t ready to quit. I remembered all of the moments I had been in my dark place and wanted to quit. I still have the memories and scars from when I attempted to quit before my time. But even with an “excuse,” I guess you could call it, that would allow me to die…I just knew that I wasn’t ready just yet. I wasn’t ready to meet God.
But now…now I am told that no matter what I do, the cancer will never go away and that it has most likely already spread. I’m fighting against it, because that’s my style I guess. Tell me I can’t do something and I’ll do whatever it takes to prove you wrong. But I’m fighting for more time. I’m fighting for that slim chance of remission, even though I know it won’t last, but it’s more time. More time to love. More time to smile. More time to atone for the mistakes I’ve made. More time to try and figure out why God placed me here on this Earth.
Papa, can you hear me?