A Shoulder to Lean on · This is My Journey

And Open Letter to My Loves…

To the amazing people who have been beside me since Day 1…

I don’t know what I have done to deserve you, but you have been there since the beginning when the anxiety started over a large, hard, and painful mass next to my right breast.  You sat beside me and held me while I had meltdown after meltdown over my tests.  And when the call came with the test results, you were there too for that meltdown.  You listened to all of my fears and anxieties.  You remained strong while I was the weaker one at the time.

When it came to seeing the Oncologist, you were prepared with questions.  Wrote down what the doctor had said, knowing that everything that was happening was a blur to me at the time.  You tried to cheer me up by searching for the crazy scarves and hats because you knew that I was not to be one for a regular hat.

You listened from afar as I sat on the phone with other loved ones every day as I cried uncontrollably because I felt as though a rug had been pulled from underneath me and I didn’t know which way I was facing half the time.  You made sure that everyone I loved from afar was kept up with all of the details and would give an honest answer to how I was doing through all of chaos in the beginning.

You went with me for every test, scan, doctor appointment, and chemotherapy treatment.  You made sure that I was kept hydrated and that I ate and took my medicine on time.  You even sat there and made sure everything was in order while I slept through my treatments from some of the medications they gave me.  You made sure to check in with the scheduling to keep all of my appointments in check.  And you made sure I made it to every appointment, test, and scan.

You researched ways to help with my side effects and helped to ensure I was eating and was in less pain that I normally was.  Even when all I could drink was lemonade and eat pretzels, you would go out and make sure that I had plenty of them to keep me going through the rough parts of chemotherapy.

Even though going to chemotherapy made you sick each time, you still never paused in your love, care, and concern over me.  I always worried about you and hated that you would get sick when you would go with me; but you always made sure that I was never alone during my treatment.

I watched you as you struggled over the stress and extra burdens from running the household.  I watched as you would get frustrated over and over and would try to vent to me, only I would try to fix things or not give you a safe way to vent.  For that I am extremely sorry.

I have watched myself as I have become someone I did not like.  No longer was I a person a loved one could feel comfortable with talking to.  No longer was I the friend and loved one I used to be.  I have watched as this hideous disease along with my own anxiety and depression have started to take hold over me and created someone who had become more self-centered and unsympathetic to other’s needs and emotions.  In this process I have hurt some of the main people I love so dear.  While I know that this is a lame excuse; I promise that from this time forward, I am going to be working extra hard to reverse this and not be like this anymore.

You, my loved ones, have never waivered in your love, support, and care for me.  I know that there are many times I do not show it, but please know that I am extremely grateful and blessed to have you all by my sides.

I know that I have not always been the easiest person to love, and again I am sorry.  I never meant to say anything disrespectful or mean.  But still, you continue to love me and make sure I have what I need.

To you who continue to love me during my good and bad days, my sane and days of depression, and still when I am not being the person/loved one/friend I should be.  Thank you for being you.  Thank you for never giving up on me and always reminding me of my many blessings.  Thank you for being honest enough to tell me when I’m not being to person I need to be.  And thank you for always loving me and welcoming me into your family.

To my loves…thank you for the constant hugs, the amazing surprises, and the never-ending love.

To my loves beside me…thank you for being the rocks I needed during this storm.  Thank you for being a light in the darkness on my bad days.  And thank you for being your amazing selves.

To my loves who aren’t beside me…thank you for always being a phone call away.  Thank you for putting up with my many phone calls of just me crying.  Thank you for all of your amazing cards, letters, and gifts reminding me to keep strong and be brave.  Thank you for always finding ways to show me a little bit of how you and the world sees me. 

I may never know what I did to deserve each and every one of you, but I am blessed that you are all in my life.  Thank you for being my support.  Thank you for keeping me humble. 

And most of all….Thank you for being the blessings in my life.  Thank you for being the reasons I smile.  Thank you for teaching me how to be strong and brave throughout this journey, I honestly do not know how I would have fared without your love and support during these past 4 1/2 months. 

I love you….

Hand Heart

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