Days since highest weight: 98 Days since “Official Diagnosis”: 53
Weight at start: 464 lbs Current Weight: 412 lbs Total Weightloss: 52 lbs
Treatments Had: 3 (including Cyclophosphamide IV, Doxorubicin IV, and Neulasta)
Treatments Remain: 1 (including Cyclophosphamide IV, Doxorubicin IV, and Neulasta); 12 Paclitaxel IV once a week for 12 weeks
Since that dreadful day in November when I learned of my diagnosis, I have met so many amazing men and women who had not just battled against this disease and defeated it; but also many brave ones who fought valiantly but were called home in the end. To say that having Stage 3 Triple Negative Breast Cancer has really opened my eyes and made me re-evaluate some things in my life, is putting it lightly.
One thing I have definitely learned is that I need to live each day at a time and for each day. So much of my life is already filled up with doctor appointments, chemotherapy treatments, blood tests, body scans, and other types of medical appointments that I’ve become to feel as though I am nothing but a “cancer patient”. But I’ve also become to appreciate each day for what it is. I’ve always been one who appreciates being outside and being able to meditate with nature, especially the night sky…now even more so.
But I’ve also decided that I needed to love more. That meant letting go of a lot of hurt and anger that I had been holding onto for a while. I needed to release all of the negative emotions and start holding onto the positive ones. The loving part is easy…letting go, not so much. I’ve always understood the purpose and meaning of forgiveness…and it’s a practice I always work on. Forgiveness, regardless of your religious beliefs, is good for the soul. It’s an integral part of being human, by forgiving a person (and your self), you’re allowing yourself to release those emotions you’ve been holding onto (the anger, hatred, and resentfulness) and making room for positive ones to move in. Now don’t get me wrong, just because you forgive someone, doesn’t mean you have to let that person back in or allow them to do the same thing over and over again…it just means that you are letting go from allowing them to hold control over some of your emotions. It means you are releasing those that hurt you from continually hurting you.
I’ve also realized I need to live each day for itself. Each day is it’s own miracle. Each day is it’s own story. I have learned that I have to find a way to enjoy every day…a way to smile every day.
I’ll be honest…I try to be brave every day. I know I’ve said that I’m no longer giving Voldemort the control anymore…but there are days when his constant attacks against my strength with his increasingly painful bone pain and body weakness. It’s just so hard. It’s so painful. I’m tired of living in pain. I grow tired of having to take pain medications to be able to even function on a daily basis. I hate that the medication I take is all addictive, and yet, I can’t go even a day without it because of how bad the pain gets.
I love how when you are a larger woman (or person) like me, they tell you that when you lose weight, “you’ll find the pain begins to ease and it gets easier to get around”. I’m calling them out as BULL SHIT!!! I’ve lost just over 10% of my body weight…and while yes, I know I still have a long way to go…and yes, I realize I have lost all of it due to the cancer and that it was a quick loss….but I can barely get around now without the pain. In fact my pain has increased. I was walking better when I didn’t have the cancer. I had more strength before the cancer. When I was at my heaviest, I still had trouble breathing and doing things, the cancer and losing the weight has made it even more difficult. So….can someone tell me how losing all this weight is suppose to help ease the pain?? As far as I can tell, my lower back is still arguing with the rest of my body and my legs and knees are still screaming with resistance every time I try to stand up or walk…let alone when they try to just support me. So again…I call BULL SHIT!!!
I may be in constant pain and too weak to walk a lot of times, but I’ve been trying to at least keep my brain busy. I’m trying to keep with my motto of living each day for itself and to make sure that I live it to the fullest.
Song on Playlist: “We Will Not Go Quietly” by Sixx:A.M.