The appointments are made. And now I have to wait. But I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to have to wait 3 more days to figure out my treatment. I don’t want to have to wait a week after that for the mammogram. Every ache in my breast scares me. Every knot or large bump terrifies me. I don’t know if it’s more cancer. I don’t know if this waiting makes it worse. I don’t know what to do. And I’m terrified. I shake from the fear and I know it won’t stop until I know what is happening.
People keep saying to stay strong. To keep busy. But it doesn’t stop!! The thoughts, the fears, the nightmares…they don’t stop!!!
And I know I’m blessed to have so many strong people around me, but I feel like a burden because I can’t control the crying. I can’t control the crippling fear. And I don’t want to keep leaning on them for strength I’m supposed to have.
“You’ve got this.” That’s what goes through my head. I can hear my grandparents saying it over and over. I can hear my family and friends saying over and over in my head. But I have a hard time believing it right now.
Today I got the official Pathology report. I was able to read it on my medical chart online.
“What does it mean when it says: Metastatic, poorly differentiated adenocarcinoma, favor breast primary??”
Google search: “Poorly Differentiated Adenocarcinoma”.
Definition: “Poorly differentiated carcinomas lack normal features, tend to grow and spread faster, and have a worse prognosis.” (cancer.org)
Terror begins to creep in….
“What is pleomorphic lobular carcinoma??”
Google search: “pleomorphic lobular carcinoma”.
Definition: “Pleomorphic lobular carcinoma (PL) is an aggressive subtype of invasive lobular carcinoma.” (Pleomorphic lobular breast carcinoma: A review of 35 cases at a single institution. A case study for the 2011 Breast Cancer Symposium)
Okay…I’m officially terrified.
I’m a researcher. I have to know what these words mean. And now I’m even more scared than I was. “Stay off Google” everyone says. But the big words wouldn’t calm me down any more than if I didn’t know.
I have so many questions to ask, I’ve made sure to write them down. My main one is, “When can I start the treatment.” I don’t want to have to wait for a month. I don’t want to wait 2 weeks even. I want to be able to start right away.
This is my battle and I was to begin it now. I don’t want to give this enemy a chance to build and grow more. I want to go to it and strike it on its own turf so to speak. I want to show this cancer that “I will not go gently into that good night.” (Dylan Thomas)
Song listening to: “Trenches” by Pop Evil