I have cancer. I have Breast Cancer. Every time I say it, it becomes just that more real, and that more scary. I know I have to be strong, I know I have to focus on keeping busy, but there’s a part of me that wants to spend a day curled up in bed just processing everything. Crying out all of my emotions. There’s a part of me that wants to go some place private outside and just scream and yell. And there’s another part of me that want to hide and just pretend this is all a dream. But in all honesty, as deep as I look, there is no part of me that wants to give up or not fight.
So for now, I will wear my pink bow in my hair for as long as I know I will have my hair. My hair that I know will be gone.
I will work on building my “Battle Playlist”.
And I will keep taking things one day at a time.
It’s hard to believe that it was only 8 days ago that I turned 40. I was blissfully believing that the swollen lymph node or nodes under my right arm would only need to be removed. I was no where near prepared for the phone call that came this past Friday.
“I’m so sorry, but it’s Breast Cancer”
To my credit I think I held it together okay on the phone, for the most part.
“What stage is it?”
“Well…because it is in the lymph nodes it’s either at a Stage 2 or 3. But it will definitely require chemotherapy before surgery.”
It was then I could no longer hold it in. I had gotten the call from the Oncologist’s office earlier that morning to schedule the first appointment, but they had told me it was only a consultation. It’s a consultation all right…it’s the consultation to on how to start treatment.
All of a sudden I felt as though I was constantly spinning around, only I could never find that “spot” to spot or stop to regain my balance. Slowly…but only recently…I’ve begun to start feeling as though I’m gaining some of that balance back.
Now is the struggle on how to tell people. Slowly I’ve been telling only those closest to my heart, but I know this is not going to be a secret I will be able to keep for long. How do I tell the others?? And I still have to tell my daughter who resides in a different state. How do I tell my precious girl about this?? Especially knowing she isn’t able to be here to comfort me.
Tomorrow is Monday. Tomorrow brings a new day with so many things needing to be done. Phone calls needing to be made. Appointments to be made, others to be rescheduled. Doctors and lawyers to speak to. Where do I begin???
I know I am blessed that I will not be facing this war alone. I am blessed that while my family lives over two thousand miles away, my “family” here will continue to surround me with strength, comfort, support, and most importantly, laughter. I know that this will be one of the hardest, largest, and possibly longest battles I will ever face…but I am not alone.
My family and friends remind me of how much I have already overcome; and how I am so much stronger than I even know. Part of me believes this. And still there’s that part that just wants to scream out “God don’t you think I’ve had enough already?!?!?!” I know that He only gives us enough that He knows we can handle…but I honestly thought I was starting to overcome some obstacles already.
I’ve been working so hard to be able to walk and stand on my own again. Eating better so I can lose weight and release some of the constant pain I’m in. Trying to be healthier. But unfortunately my body has other plans and has decided to work against me.
I feel like I’ve been fighting for most of my life with my PTSD, BiPolar, past Suicide attempts, Depression, and my previous Sexual and Physical abuse from past relationships. Where will I find the strength for this?
Currently listening to: “Warrior” by Demi Lovato